i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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