I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
