Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
