$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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