He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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