hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
