I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
It's shark week go big or go home
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
