ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
