i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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