I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
