He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Drake has all the answers
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
