Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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