I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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