Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
