i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
We got so high we made milksteak
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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