Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
