i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
