He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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