one two three fourrrrnication!
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
