There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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