ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
What changed your mind?
Being sober
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
