i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
