How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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