did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
