I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
