I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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