is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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