Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
