last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
