Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Randomize
