Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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