I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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