I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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