Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
50% drunk capacity currently
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
