I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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