i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
