I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Randomize
