I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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