i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
accomplished twins. life is a go
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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