Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
