I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
