Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
