I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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