I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i want to swaddle you in tequila
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
