wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
