That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Randomize
