Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
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