I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
