Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Randomize
