Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
