She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
My feet surprised me
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
